Hmm.. the Bible says if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. I don’t think my faith even rivals the size of an amoeba. I always want to change, in some way or another….But right now, I REALLY need to change. I am in no way the person I was created to be. But my faith in my own ability to change, my faith in myself in general …after so much experience with wanting/trying to change, but failing… is so low that I’ve admitted defeat long ago and don’t even have the confidence to try. The worst part is… I “know” that anything I can’t do, God can, and “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Yet somewhere in me says, “No. No, I couldn’t do it, so God couldn’t possibly do it either.” And I KNOW that that is so wrong. God can create the world but He can’t help me become more servant hearted? He can rise from the dead but he has no power to change my heart? He has already changed my life, but He just doesn’t have the power to do it once more? IM SUCH AN IDIOT, YOU GUYS! Maybe I do know that he can change me, maybe I just don’t want to let him. Maybe I don’t want to love Him with all of my heart, because I want to spend that love on myself. Maybe, even though I know that true happiness can only be found in loving Him with all of my heart, soul, and mind…maybe I want to insist on finding that happiness in other things, maybe I am fine without Him.
The only thing is, I am NOT fine without Jesus. Without Jesus, life isn’t truly life. God should be my life, every fiber of it. My flesh disagrees. My flesh says, “Yes, you should keep him as paaaaaart of your life. But not ALL of it! What about you? What about living for yourself?”
Dang it flesh, you’re a jerk. And stupid.
But yet I listen to it. And I know just how very ignorant and wrong my flesh is, but I listen to it.
So right now, I’m really struggling with giving every part of myself to God. That’s the change which I’ve so easily given up on. Honestly, I don’t know if I have ever, in my whole life, given every single thing to God. And I think true Christians are people who have either given everything to God, or live their life striving to.
So, anyway, that’s kind of part of what I’m dealing with right now. So if you could be praying about that, it would be much appreciated. Specifically, that I would soften my heart, strengthen my faith, and be disciplined enough to live every part of my life as to the Lord.
“If we are faithless, He remains faithful – for He cannot deny Himself.” – 2 Timothy 2:13
