You know what, i am so excited about life.

I really learned a lot from Brooklyn, about myself, people in  general, and some ministry needs, and can’t wait to put it into practice. Mostly its just attempting to live every moment with purpose, every moment proving that there’s a reason i’m alive and realizing that God really does have a plan for my life. Its crazy because we say we’re trusting God and all of the sudden something happens thats not in our planner and we’re just like “Hey, God.. what’d you do that for, huh? I had a plan and you ruined it. Thanks a lot for intentionally making my life miserable. Maybe you’re not such a loving God after all,” and all that supposed trust goes down the drain. Its only later that we see why it was so important for things to happen like they did… Sure, usually looking back our human eyes wont be able to pick up on the importance, but we just have to trust that God is sovereign and that He knows what He’s doing… That He has a purpose behind everything, and that even if it means hardship that it will bring us to a higher quality of living.

Thattts what was so nice about NY: Its so clear that God knew how much I would grow from spending that time in Brooklyn… And He had this entire plan that I was oblivious to, all to ensure i was on that plane to Brooklyn and wouldn’t be landing back in STL for a month.

It was dissappointing to be so excited about living in Chicago and working with Riverwoods for the summer and then just have that feeling, just KNOWING that i wasn’t supposed to go, that there was some reason which i was completely oblivious to which meant calling Brian 1 day before I was supposed to leave to say that God was telling me that it wasnt want He wanted for me. At the time it was frustrating – i had quit my job of over 2 years to go, and i really wanted to do something productive – why would God call me to an unclear, so far no other options, summer when i could be spending 18 hours a day for 3 months helping underpriveledged kids see His love? The only possibility even thrown in there, was a week in NY, which i was not that excited about… although i (obviously) eventually consented to. And then i tried so, so hard to find a new job before I left and there was absolutely nothing, no one was hiring. It was weird and so frustrating… But there is no-o way I would have been able to stay in NY for a month if I had found that job I was looking and praying so hard for. And then actually going… if i had just gone for the initial week, it would have been an okay experience. but staying that extended time really opened my eyes to so many things which I never would have gotten from the first week. The relationships were so much deeper (I love you Angela, Johnny, Dennis, and Kelly and any other Brooklyners who might be reading this!), the city was so much more beautiful, and everything I learned was intensified beyond measure.

Anyway, now, I have no idea what my future looks like but I’m so excited for it and i can’t wait to get more active in my community. Sure, at the moment i actually dont want to live here, but this is where i am so this is where I’m supposed to make the difference.

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Dear Sara

How have you been feeling?

-Curious from STL

Dear Curious.

Thank you for your fictional interest. At the moment I’m not really appreciating myself. I’m not as brave as i thought i was. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. it’s disappointing, and it just makes me feel like giving up.

When I was younger, i thought of a brilliant way to make a room more beautiful. i took a thin, whooly purple scarf and wrapped it around a lightbulb. the room turned a purplish glow and had a sudden, magical feel to it. Of course when I came back a little later there wasn’t magic, there was just fire. (HA, brilliant all right)

So that’s sort of like how i view my future, no matter how many ideas i come up or any plans i make…they suck. they start rooms on fire. I just have this feeling of uselessness, like my life – my days, my hours, my seconds, ones which are so important to God and could used so productively, are just being completely wasted. meaningless. and that anything i would attempt to do would fail.

thankfully there is something called practice what you preach.

the other day i was in a conversation with someone and the question of what you would do if you got pregnant from a rape came up. they argued that it would be beter for the baby to be aborted rather than, after spending nine months bearing a child who is the result of hatred and crime, the baby would be put up for adoption and abused in the foster system and likely end up back on the streets. “yeah but, i would rather give them a change at life instead of no life at all” “even a horrible life where they wished they were dead?”

There is one thing i completely believe. And that is, if you’d like to, you can let circumstances (upbringing, habits, whatever) rule your outlook. but we are all capable of rising above circumstances. you aren’t defined by the things that happen around you, you’re defined by how you respond to those things. When it comes down to it, your future, your happiness.. its in your own hands.

This is something I believe full-heartedly, but have not been living out. while i know that, with God, all things are possible…i just seem to ignore it and live in that failure mentality where you just sit around and think that nothing is going to change. well that’s because nothing does change when you’re sitting around.

here’s to standing up.