How have you been feeling?
-Curious from STL
Dear Curious.
Thank you for your fictional interest. At the moment I’m not really appreciating myself. I’m not as brave as i thought i was. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. it’s disappointing, and it just makes me feel like giving up.
When I was younger, i thought of a brilliant way to make a room more beautiful. i took a thin, whooly purple scarf and wrapped it around a lightbulb. the room turned a purplish glow and had a sudden, magical feel to it. Of course when I came back a little later there wasn’t magic, there was just fire. (HA, brilliant all right)
So that’s sort of like how i view my future, no matter how many ideas i come up or any plans i make…they suck. they start rooms on fire. I just have this feeling of uselessness, like my life – my days, my hours, my seconds, ones which are so important to God and could used so productively, are just being completely wasted. meaningless. and that anything i would attempt to do would fail.
thankfully there is something called practice what you preach.
the other day i was in a conversation with someone and the question of what you would do if you got pregnant from a rape came up. they argued that it would be beter for the baby to be aborted rather than, after spending nine months bearing a child who is the result of hatred and crime, the baby would be put up for adoption and abused in the foster system and likely end up back on the streets. “yeah but, i would rather give them a change at life instead of no life at all” “even a horrible life where they wished they were dead?”
There is one thing i completely believe. And that is, if you’d like to, you can let circumstances (upbringing, habits, whatever) rule your outlook. but we are all capable of rising above circumstances. you aren’t defined by the things that happen around you, you’re defined by how you respond to those things. When it comes down to it, your future, your happiness.. its in your own hands.
This is something I believe full-heartedly, but have not been living out. while i know that, with God, all things are possible…i just seem to ignore it and live in that failure mentality where you just sit around and think that nothing is going to change. well that’s because nothing does change when you’re sitting around.
here’s to standing up.
