It's January the 8th, there are seagulls flying over me, waves crashing before me, & the sun - oh, the glorious, glorious sun - has completely encompassed me.
From what I've witnessed, gloomy england has a substantially larger amount of sunlight to be offered then Amsterdam.
And here, alone on a rocky winter beach by the sea, it seems as if the sun's performance is meant only for me.
Not hiding behind tall buildings, not distracted by tree tops & telephone poles, it's sole purpose is to be a glistening diamond, dancing upon the wet rocks and waves, warming the wind, and gently closing my eyelids.
Ahh!! how beautiful is creation, that even rocks reflect this glory!
Today looks promising already. Free breakfast and I made a darling korean friend of the boy who was sleeping above me.And now -this beautiful, beautiful scene ...it must still be marginally cold out, but Im not using my coat and I'm only a teensy chilled, & in comparison to London's -10 the past few days, I feel like I'm on a true holiday. Equally exciting, in an hour and a half I'm meeting Tim at the pier and he's bringing tea! It's soo encouraging to know that not only do I actually know someone in this town, but I'm going to see him as well! Yesterday the only two people I even spoke to who I had known previously were the reception guy at London Eye and Joe from the night before, and with Joe I don't think I even said anything to him, just responded to his "Good morning, sunshine!" with a sleepy grunt and nod in his direction. So today, for the first time in an entire week of small talk with acquaintences or distant connections - or worse yet entire days filled with silence, I am going to spend some time with someone I KNOW! ahhh!! What a lovely lifting of a this bog of anonyminity which I once found so freeing! And then tonight I'm taking the train to Shoreham-by-Sea, a small town in the countryside, to stay with some woman from the internet. ah-ha. All I know about her is that she's 34, plays the ukelele, and lives in a houseboat with frozen pipes, but hello! it's been my amsterdam-long dream to stay on a houseboat! this is wonderful-perfect, hurray! So hopefully that's also exciting. Technically I had a down payment on another night at St. Christopher's Inn, but after staying there last night I'm glad for the exchange. The bottom floor is a popular bar and music venue, the testimony of which is both heard and felt from even the 6th floor, and I was on the 2nd, so well, I guess that's kind of like being "rocked" to sleep which I guess has a charm of its own... but still, houseboat with a stranger tonight! It's so strange to me that back home people are going to school or waiting a table or in the middle of their shift or watching tv or meeting a friend for dinner, or that shelterlife is still going on - someone's chcecking a voucher, someone's making a toastie, Jan is putting his hand on someones should and saying, "dear brother..." and I am alone on the shore of the sea in a different country than almost all of them, on a different continent from most of them. ITS JUST SO WEIRD! Life exists in so many different capacities, in so many different places! I mean, I am in a country that 93% of the people who know me, don't even know I'm in. How weird, how disconnected. But while I'm seperate from that reality, I'm part of an entirely different one. I've only heard/met three americans in my week here. I hate sounding different from the people here, how one sentence alerts whoever meets me that I'm not from around here, I don't naturally belong. "Oh, where are you from? What are you doing all the way over here?" I don't speak with many people, but the ones I do all ask that question. Grrr, I hate that my voice reveals a lifetime in a different culture, and that that information is handed to them with a simple "one tall chai tea, please," when really I am trying to say anonymous as possible, & don't want strangers knowing anything about me that I haven't chosen to share with them. I wonder why I'm like that, why am I so protective of my own thoughts & habits & past & future, & well, anything about myself? Like I am something to be discovered, and can only be revealed to persistent pursuer, and even then only if I deem their motives sincere. That's placing a lot of unnecessary importance on myself. I think it's fueled when people define me fondly with this trait. Like Jeroen in his little goodbye note to me, haha, he was like, 'we've had some good and quite deep talks, which we've both enjoyed. but yet you remain a mystery to me, even with a hint of a dark side ;)' (a dark side to a shelterite means very little, like 'you seem like maybe you drink occasionally'). And how some people are seemingly mesmorized by by their inability to tell what i'm thinking during any given situation (this obviously is not universal to everyone i know, some people can read me pretty well). "Every once in awhile I feel like I'm starting to get you, but then you're so contradictory - you brought me dinner but then barely said anything, and wouldn't even answer my questions. you came out with me but then you left while I wasn't looking. (<--haha) You seem to enjoy being with me but when I hug you, I can feel you kind of pulling away. Even this - I'm telling you all this and I have no idea what you're feeling, what you're thinking. I can't understand you, and I think that's part of why I like you." I think that's probably the problem.. Maybe part of me is afraid that if people who haven't been around me long enough ("earned their way through time") who don't fully know what they're getting in to or what friendship with me entails. I guess I'm afraid that if they did understand me, they would get bored and leave, or something, so it's much more enticing to leave it at vague mystery and be puzzling rather than abandoned. (PS. Im in a cafe now, I have been for awhile) bleh, I hate getting left. It's strange how my openness fluctuates. It creates these bonds with people that I'm not even sure exist. Aww, the sun is going away... But anyway, it's almost time to meet Tim (wow, I've been writing for a long time) so I spose this is over now. PS... Im seeing someone I knowwwwwwww!!! Hurraaaayyy!
