Following your heart... even when it means (CREEPY) stranger's couches

While I was in England I got the irrevocable impression that I was supposed to go to L.A.
which made going home to saint louis feel pretty pointless
going to new york pretty pointless
going to toronto pretty pointless (but awesome)
and would have made returning to saint louis feel equally pointless, had it not been for the passing of almost three months since the initial revelation, allowing for the sense of urgency to slowly subside. Regardless, I still felt that for whatever reason I needed to go there, if for nothing else then to get it out of the way so that I didn’t have it eating at the back of my mind as I tried to resume what was once a normal (ish… sara-normal, anyway) lifestyle. 
And so it was that I found myself on a one way flight to a new city, with little idea of what I was going to be doing, let alone where I was going to be sleeping that night. 
In general, probably not the best of circumstances to put oneself in, but I felt like this was actually something God wanted me to do, and knew that as long as it was His plan and not mine, I’d be aiight. 

Tomorrow will be my 20th day in L.A., and I am soo-oo thankful I came! Maybe it’s the fact that I didn’t/don’t know exactly why I’m here that makes it seem so much, it gives everything meaning! Everything is an option! I just really truly feel like, whether for the benefit of myself or others or both, God is at work and I really am supposed to be here right now. It’s really encouraged me to really live by conviction, to not let a moment pass where I ignore a tugging of the heart , a “maybe i should go talk to them,” or “maybe i should see if i can help them somehow.” just little things, but it’s so rewarding not to have that heaviness of not ‘following your heart.’ The trouble is that my heart takes me pretty far out of my comfort zone, usually into danger areas where not only could i technically get physically hurt, but my heart itself is so much more vulnerable. But with every conquest, every conversation with a stranger completed or homeless person fed, my heart keeps taking it to the next level and coming up with some really crazy ideas! I don’t know if it’s beautiful or scary, bravery or stupidity, but slowly I feel like simply acting on what I feel I should do is molding me closer and closer to not only who God wants me to be but who I really was created to be, and that in and of itself is such a wonderful feeling. ITS SUCH A SIMPLE CONCEPT, living by conviction, why has it taken my so long to convert my thoughts to actions?

Love Revelation A.

Luke 6:33 "And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, in order to receive back the same." 

I "love" the idea of loving people, loving everyone.
But I definitely don't ACTUALLY love everyone. Usually I don't even want to sit next to or even talk to everyone, sometimes anyone. That seems to rule out loving them.

I noticed this especially at S.A.Y. Yes!
In general, once I get to know kids/they get to know me - we're friends. I love them, or at least like them.
But going into a room of new kids, getting tentative smiles from a few, but mostly distance and awkward staring - I am not instantly going to be all 'ohh, i loovvvvve youuuu!' (That's probably a good thing) I'm going to approach the ones who seem amicable, and avoid the glarish-quiet ones in fear of getting rejected by a 10 year old.
I want to develop a friendship with them & I want to be able to love them, to show them that 'yes! you are important! yes, someone does love you!' ... but I want it to be mutual, I want them to love me, too. It's been very-very rare that I've even encountered that exclusive, non-mutual love - I'm barely even capable of it. ..Loving someone you know doesn't love you seems so unrewarding, so empty, so unlikely, even - why would you love someone who not only doesn't love you, but seems to even have contempt for your mere existence? 

YET SO SELFISH NOT TO. Love is portrayed as this amazing thing you get to experience, this phenomenal emotion, and how everyone should love, la-la-la... only that has nothing to do with actual love. That has to do with YOU, that has to do with leading a life that makes you feel good, that has to do with making YOURSELF feel fulfilled, making sure YOU feel love. Love, in it's purest form, is selfless - it is a gift to lavish upon others. Biblical love is this:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

What does patience have to do with selfishness? What does kindness? Envying, boastfulness, pride, rudeness, anger, being self-seeking, holding grudges - ah, there's the selfish aspect - wait, no, it says love is none of those things! The obvious conclusion is that the only part of love that pertains to self, is that we have the opportunity to give it to other people. And when you get rid of that self-focus, you aren't going to prefer giving that love to one person over another. It's not going to matter if they love you or not, if they're a cute little kid who comes bounding over to you everytime you enter the room, or if it's the smelly guy on the bus who wants to use your phone and then leaves ear-slime on the screen (*sigh* that would be yesterday...) - according to the criteria above, love is not reserved for one person any more than it is for the next, it is for everyone, whether they love you, too, or barely tolerate you. It is not an emotion, it is the way that every single person deserves to be treated, and it is a choice we make daily - to love someone, or not to.

..In a slightly different direction, this is also a reason i have a mild disdain for the "love" 2009 has to offer us. The selfishness is too easily recognized. Some people get really excited when person a. tells them that they love them. I do not. Unless it's coming from a kid, or just someone who is really genuine and shows me in word and action, the phrase itself does very little for me. I'm not so excited and happy ecause I am someone special, I am loved - no, someone loves the way i make THEM feel. That's not real love, and even I don't want to love someone (or be loved by someone) like that. This too, would seem to stem from selfishness - feeling that i - well, all of us - deserve a selfless love rather than a selfish one... but I think it's just from the fact that that is the love we were created to give and recieve from God, so it's the love we naturally desire. I think God is the only one who can love perfectly like that, everything else is goofy.
I wonder how much those hippies on Venice Beach really love me, like their flags & vans & shirts say. Enough to talk to me? Yeah.. Enough to share a meal with me? Probably. Enough to let me sleep over when I'm homeless? In their bed? For two months? Even if I snore and have bad living habits and I don't even treat them with respect? How conditional is there love? To them , what constitutes as loving a person? What's the limit? Are hippie strangers capable of selfless love? Am I? Is anyone capable of it without God?