For about the zillionth time, I am re-intregrating into my own community.
And for also the zillionth time, I love and hate everything about it.
There is a part of me that just longs for permanence. It’s been 3 years since I could claim any form of consistency in my life, whether in friendships, jobs, location, or whatever else you can think of… 3 years since I’ve truly felt that home was, in fact, my home.
I truly love everything I’ve done and feel it’s been the right path, but to anyone who romanticizes the idea of always going from one thing and place to the next, please know it is not without sacrifice.
So you will find many travelers who long to settle down.
Welllllll… I’m only half there.
There’s a part of me that wants to just get my own apartment and work at a job long enough to get promoted and find ministry projects to be a long term part of and establish a core group of friends who I can see and be somewhere long enough to actually take some classes and not be forever haunted by not having the right education for all of the jobs I want, the ones that make a difference in peoples life.
But really I am just whining. :) Because I’m more than blessed. :)
Which leads me to what I’ve really been dealing with:
-discontentedness.
Not because I am unaware of how amazing everything God has done, and His Life that He’s allowed me so graciously to be part of.
I am discontent to my response.
I am positive that we are different for a reason, that the person advocating for clean water is doing so not because the AIDS gig was already taken, but because he is passionate about making clean water available to everyone. As Christians, we are all one body, but each one a different part. In the same way, just like we represent different parts of the body, we are all holding a bit of God’s heart for justice within us. Maybe not all of it because there’s no way God’s heart could be contained in one human being, let alone could that person handle the weight of it. But to a certain degree, when your heart is completely crushed and consumed by a justice issue, I think it’s because God’s given you a taste of how He feels about it, and within that, a responsibility to do something about it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that means everyone who’s shed a tear over something as widespread as the Invisible Children documentary should hop on the next plane to Africa and go pop a cap in Joseph Kony, or even move to Uganda and live and work with former Child Soldiers. But I do think that passion is there for a reason - and if you don’t feel like it’s to go do something with your life about it, it could be you are supposed to share that passion with others and ignite it in people who ARE supposed to go, or it’s something you are supposed to be constantly in prayer about, interceding and handing it over to the God of the Universe.
Well, lately, I’ve been having these, yeaaah, inklingss….
Not about Child Soldiers or clean water or, well, even anything super Justice-y.
But about my life, and about suffering, and potentially about the connection between the two.
I just don’t feel right. Spending money. Saving money. Having money, really. Living comfortably. Living for a paycheck. Not really contributing to society.
I just want to give it all up.
Buuuut I dont know how!
There HAS to be a reason I am burdened by what I am burdened by.
That has to mean something.
(I realize there is no conclusion for this post. I don't have one, yet. Hopefully, one day soon, I will, though)
