If you had read my journal three months ago (okay, if I had written in a journal three months ago), you would find me spending an unhealthy amount of time secretly yearning to get in to a minor car accident sometime soon which was juuust serious enough to prevent leading a team to Los Angeles in January, but still allowing me the ability to function in most other areas (ideally my car would also be miraculously unaffected). Why was I housing such a morbid, almost humorously pathetic desire? Doubt and despair had crept in. Lies, taken as the voice of reason and truth, had infiltrated the excitement of stepping out in faith and leading others in something which I've been passionate about for my whole life. And it was pretty much screaming every excuse possible - that I didn't have enough time, no one wanted to come anyway and I was just embarrassing myself by trying something destined to fail, I wasn't a good enough leader, and perhaps the most serious - the accusation that I was wasting time on something that was not even God's will, that I hadn't really prayed enough to know. Thankfully this was not the only voice taking residence in my brain (note: not schizophrenic), and any time at all spent in prayer or prep for the trip alerted me to the fact that I was just facing some intense Spiritual Warfare. Why does darkness care what I do with my free time/mental life? Because something was at risk. A light was trying to break forth, a light that could shine in and through me and anyone else willing to follow God in to the unknown, a light which could shake the complacency, doubt and hopelessness that darkness loves to dwell in.
Well, let me just say, if your "thoughts" are waging against each other, do not let lies win. Don't give up and don't despair, because whatever is on the side of truth is SO much better, and completely worth fighting for. Thankfully God is more powerful than any other temptation or voice, and this trip not only happened, but has humbled, overwhelmed, transformed, encouraged, educated and empowered me.
It is kind of uncomfortable for me to be vulnerable and say that these mere 6 days of service have initiated a great desire for more change, especially because this is hardly my first trip nor the most eye opening - really, I've often felt this way. But I seem to lose the lifestyle shortly after losing the high of the experience, or, honestly, when it gets too hard and too uncomfortable. But this week in LA - I can't even explain it. I felt like I was HOME for the first time all year. On avenues I've never walked before, in the tears of broken men and women, in the joy of worshipping with my brothers and sisters, serving alongside strangers, dirtied by the street, blessing and being blessed by people who have been thrown away by society - I remembered what being home felt like, the life that I long for, the life I'm in many ways meant for, and the life I often end up leaving in some way or another.
I'm guilty of using Saint Louis as an excuse, as despite it's ironic nature of being my "home," I often find myself treating it as more of a waiting room than a house. And all though the circumstances keeping me here are beyond my control, I am not "trapped" and I shouldn't be "waiting," I'm here right now, and it's not and accident, it's a placement. I don't want there to be a disparity between my actions and life when I'm "on mission," and daily living in Saint Louis, and the reason I'm sharing that fact is because I want to be held accountable to it, rather than push it to the back of my mind. I also want to encourage those of you who have found their "home" lifestyle and walked away from it - the place you're at rest, yet alive, the place you felt belonged to you more than any other - and yet you are now living somewhere else... Don't let that lifestyle be a distant memory of a past experience - if you're living drenched in the mediocre, don't settle for it- go find life at the fullest and live it. It's still there, maybe even within your own city, I just tasted it, I just saw it, and it's SO GOOD and it's within your reach!
"The thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance." -Jesus, John 10:10
To my non-Christan friends or anyone who has not experienced it, this whole post probably sounds strange, and you are probably trying to wrap your mind around why Sara is once again so weird (not an uncommon thought, hahaa). But a day waking up to live satisfying your own whims and desires absolutely pales in comparison to surrendering your thoughts and actions to God and saying, "this is your day, use me as you please." THAT is when I come alive, THAT is when I feel at peace with my self, THAT is when I see my lives transformed; when I'm amazed and humbled at the way God can use people, even me, to bring His Kingdom. They are days of revelation, love, and adventure, and they are the days in which I want to fill my short life with. I am not being selfless in that, either, I have felt God in my life and it is more worth is than anything else I've ever experience.
If that's what you're looking for, too, (whether you've been living that way forever or just wanting to start out) feel free to get a hold of me! It's hard to walk this out alone, and I would love to pray with you, get in to the word with you, or just go have an adventure and start blessing people together. Plus, if no one agrees, I'm going to have to start a platonic friendship page on Christian Mingle to satisfy the desire for deep Christian fellowship, haha, which has a high probability of ending incredibly awkwardly. ;p
Anyway, this has deviated impressively far from what I intended to write, but am glad it's been said, nonetheless. I hope it blesses you, and that it serves as a reminder for me when I think I'm home, when I'm actually quite far from it.
Love you guys!
