Following your heart... even when it means (CREEPY) stranger's couches

While I was in England I got the irrevocable impression that I was supposed to go to L.A.
which made going home to saint louis feel pretty pointless
going to new york pretty pointless
going to toronto pretty pointless (but awesome)
and would have made returning to saint louis feel equally pointless, had it not been for the passing of almost three months since the initial revelation, allowing for the sense of urgency to slowly subside. Regardless, I still felt that for whatever reason I needed to go there, if for nothing else then to get it out of the way so that I didn’t have it eating at the back of my mind as I tried to resume what was once a normal (ish… sara-normal, anyway) lifestyle. 
And so it was that I found myself on a one way flight to a new city, with little idea of what I was going to be doing, let alone where I was going to be sleeping that night. 
In general, probably not the best of circumstances to put oneself in, but I felt like this was actually something God wanted me to do, and knew that as long as it was His plan and not mine, I’d be aiight. 

Tomorrow will be my 20th day in L.A., and I am soo-oo thankful I came! Maybe it’s the fact that I didn’t/don’t know exactly why I’m here that makes it seem so much, it gives everything meaning! Everything is an option! I just really truly feel like, whether for the benefit of myself or others or both, God is at work and I really am supposed to be here right now. It’s really encouraged me to really live by conviction, to not let a moment pass where I ignore a tugging of the heart , a “maybe i should go talk to them,” or “maybe i should see if i can help them somehow.” just little things, but it’s so rewarding not to have that heaviness of not ‘following your heart.’ The trouble is that my heart takes me pretty far out of my comfort zone, usually into danger areas where not only could i technically get physically hurt, but my heart itself is so much more vulnerable. But with every conquest, every conversation with a stranger completed or homeless person fed, my heart keeps taking it to the next level and coming up with some really crazy ideas! I don’t know if it’s beautiful or scary, bravery or stupidity, but slowly I feel like simply acting on what I feel I should do is molding me closer and closer to not only who God wants me to be but who I really was created to be, and that in and of itself is such a wonderful feeling. ITS SUCH A SIMPLE CONCEPT, living by conviction, why has it taken my so long to convert my thoughts to actions?

Love Revelation A.

Luke 6:33 "And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, in order to receive back the same." 

I "love" the idea of loving people, loving everyone.
But I definitely don't ACTUALLY love everyone. Usually I don't even want to sit next to or even talk to everyone, sometimes anyone. That seems to rule out loving them.

I noticed this especially at S.A.Y. Yes!
In general, once I get to know kids/they get to know me - we're friends. I love them, or at least like them.
But going into a room of new kids, getting tentative smiles from a few, but mostly distance and awkward staring - I am not instantly going to be all 'ohh, i loovvvvve youuuu!' (That's probably a good thing) I'm going to approach the ones who seem amicable, and avoid the glarish-quiet ones in fear of getting rejected by a 10 year old.
I want to develop a friendship with them & I want to be able to love them, to show them that 'yes! you are important! yes, someone does love you!' ... but I want it to be mutual, I want them to love me, too. It's been very-very rare that I've even encountered that exclusive, non-mutual love - I'm barely even capable of it. ..Loving someone you know doesn't love you seems so unrewarding, so empty, so unlikely, even - why would you love someone who not only doesn't love you, but seems to even have contempt for your mere existence? 

YET SO SELFISH NOT TO. Love is portrayed as this amazing thing you get to experience, this phenomenal emotion, and how everyone should love, la-la-la... only that has nothing to do with actual love. That has to do with YOU, that has to do with leading a life that makes you feel good, that has to do with making YOURSELF feel fulfilled, making sure YOU feel love. Love, in it's purest form, is selfless - it is a gift to lavish upon others. Biblical love is this:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

What does patience have to do with selfishness? What does kindness? Envying, boastfulness, pride, rudeness, anger, being self-seeking, holding grudges - ah, there's the selfish aspect - wait, no, it says love is none of those things! The obvious conclusion is that the only part of love that pertains to self, is that we have the opportunity to give it to other people. And when you get rid of that self-focus, you aren't going to prefer giving that love to one person over another. It's not going to matter if they love you or not, if they're a cute little kid who comes bounding over to you everytime you enter the room, or if it's the smelly guy on the bus who wants to use your phone and then leaves ear-slime on the screen (*sigh* that would be yesterday...) - according to the criteria above, love is not reserved for one person any more than it is for the next, it is for everyone, whether they love you, too, or barely tolerate you. It is not an emotion, it is the way that every single person deserves to be treated, and it is a choice we make daily - to love someone, or not to.

..In a slightly different direction, this is also a reason i have a mild disdain for the "love" 2009 has to offer us. The selfishness is too easily recognized. Some people get really excited when person a. tells them that they love them. I do not. Unless it's coming from a kid, or just someone who is really genuine and shows me in word and action, the phrase itself does very little for me. I'm not so excited and happy ecause I am someone special, I am loved - no, someone loves the way i make THEM feel. That's not real love, and even I don't want to love someone (or be loved by someone) like that. This too, would seem to stem from selfishness - feeling that i - well, all of us - deserve a selfless love rather than a selfish one... but I think it's just from the fact that that is the love we were created to give and recieve from God, so it's the love we naturally desire. I think God is the only one who can love perfectly like that, everything else is goofy.
I wonder how much those hippies on Venice Beach really love me, like their flags & vans & shirts say. Enough to talk to me? Yeah.. Enough to share a meal with me? Probably. Enough to let me sleep over when I'm homeless? In their bed? For two months? Even if I snore and have bad living habits and I don't even treat them with respect? How conditional is there love? To them , what constitutes as loving a person? What's the limit? Are hippie strangers capable of selfless love? Am I? Is anyone capable of it without God?

It's January the 8th, there are seagulls flying over me, waves crashing before me, & the sun - oh, the glorious, glorious sun - has completely encompassed me. From what I've witnessed, gloomy england has a substantially larger amount of sunlight to be offered then Amsterdam. And here, alone on a rocky winter beach by the sea, it seems as if the sun's performance is meant only for me. Not hiding behind tall buildings, not distracted by tree tops & telephone poles, it's sole purpose is to be a glistening diamond, dancing upon the wet rocks and waves, warming the wind, and gently closing my eyelids. Ahh!! how beautiful is creation, that even rocks reflect this glory! Today looks promising already. Free breakfast and I made a darling korean friend of the boy who was sleeping above me.
 And now -this beautiful, beautiful scene ...it must still be marginally cold out, but Im not using my coat and I'm only a teensy chilled, & in comparison to London's -10 the past few days, I feel like I'm on a true holiday. Equally exciting, in an hour and a half I'm meeting Tim at the pier and he's bringing tea! It's soo encouraging to know that not only do I actually know someone in this town,  but I'm going to see him as well! Yesterday the only two people I even spoke to who I had known previously were the reception guy at London Eye and Joe from the night before, and with Joe I don't think I even said anything to him, just responded to his "Good morning, sunshine!" with a sleepy grunt and nod in his direction.  So today, for the first time in an entire week of small talk with acquaintences or distant connections - or worse yet entire days filled with silence, I am going to spend some time with someone I KNOW! ahhh!! What a lovely lifting of a this bog of anonyminity which I once found so freeing! And then tonight I'm taking the train to Shoreham-by-Sea, a small town in the countryside, to stay with some woman from the internet. ah-ha. All I know about her is that she's 34, plays the ukelele, and lives in a houseboat with frozen pipes, but hello! it's been my amsterdam-long dream to stay on a houseboat! this is wonderful-perfect, hurray! So hopefully that's also exciting. Technically I had a down payment on another night at St. Christopher's Inn, but after staying there last night I'm glad for the exchange. The bottom floor is a popular bar and music venue, the testimony of which is both heard and felt from even the 6th floor, and I was on the 2nd, so well, I guess that's kind of like being "rocked" to sleep which I guess has a charm of its own... but still, houseboat with a stranger tonight! It's so strange to me that back home people are going to school or waiting a table or in the middle of their shift or watching tv or meeting a friend for dinner, or that shelterlife is still going on - someone's chcecking a voucher, someone's making a toastie, Jan is putting his hand on someones should and saying, "dear brother..." and I am alone on the shore of the sea in a different country than almost all of them, on a different continent from most of them. ITS JUST SO WEIRD! Life exists in so many different capacities, in so many different places! I mean, I am in a country that 93% of the people who know me, don't even know I'm in. How weird, how disconnected. But while I'm seperate from that reality, I'm part of an entirely different one. I've only heard/met three americans in my week here. I hate sounding different from the people here, how one sentence alerts whoever meets me that I'm not from around here, I don't naturally belong. "Oh, where are you from? What are you doing all the way over here?" I don't speak with many people, but the ones I do all ask that question. Grrr, I hate that my voice reveals a lifetime in a different culture, and that that information is handed to them with a simple "one tall chai tea, please," when really I am trying to say anonymous as possible, & don't want strangers knowing anything about me that I haven't chosen to share with them. I wonder why I'm like that, why am I so protective of my own thoughts & habits & past & future, & well, anything about myself? Like I am something to be discovered, and can only be revealed to persistent pursuer, and even then only if I deem their motives sincere. That's placing a lot of unnecessary importance on myself. I think it's fueled when people define me fondly with this trait. Like Jeroen in his little goodbye note to me, haha, he was like, 'we've had some good and quite deep talks, which we've both enjoyed. but yet you remain a mystery to me, even with a hint of a dark side ;)' (a dark side to a shelterite means very little, like 'you seem like maybe you drink occasionally'). And how some people are seemingly mesmorized by by their inability to tell what i'm thinking during any given situation (this obviously is not universal to everyone i know, some people can read me pretty well). "Every once in awhile I feel like I'm starting to get you, but then you're so contradictory - you brought me dinner but then barely said anything, and wouldn't even answer my questions. you came out with me but then you left while I wasn't looking. (<--haha) You seem to enjoy being with me but when I hug you, I can feel you kind of pulling away. Even this - I'm telling you all this and I have no idea what you're feeling, what you're thinking. I can't understand you, and I think that's part of why I like you." I think that's probably the problem.. Maybe part of me is afraid that if people who haven't been around me long enough ("earned their way through time") who don't fully know what they're getting in to or what friendship with me entails. I guess I'm afraid that if they did understand me, they would get bored and leave, or something, so it's much more enticing to leave it at vague mystery and be puzzling rather than abandoned. (PS. Im in a cafe now, I have been for awhile) bleh, I hate getting left. It's strange how my openness fluctuates. It creates these bonds with people that I'm not even sure exist. Aww, the sun is going away... But anyway, it's almost time to meet Tim (wow, I've been writing for a long time) so I spose this is over now. PS... Im seeing someone I knowwwwwwww!!! Hurraaaayyy!
 

I hate goodbyes.

Its always hard to see a housemate leave, excited to go on to some new strange journey or kind of downcast to be leaving, and its always weird when the cleaners are no longer part of our daily lives but are off vagranting through other countries and sleeping on foreign soil and you dont even have a way to know if they’re healthy and safe or if they’re living under a bridge. It’s not as bad being the one who leaves, I think. But it’s so strange to be in one place with so many memories, and yet have the people slowly disappear. It’s almost impossible to walk through the courtyard garden at night without noticing the absence of a friendly “ey, come ere you,” from Andrew, completely reclined on the couch, eyes on you but head towards the sky – a stream of smoke flowing from his lips, his joint still glowing and resting in his fingers. It doesn’t stop me from looking to that little corner where he used to sit, but it’s either empty or occupied by a new face.

Amsterdam

I feel like this is really, really, really what I'm supposed to do. Like its not supposed to be just some little thing like, 'This is Sara's life. Sara works at a nondescript retail store. Sara went to Amsterdam. Sara works at nondescript retail store again.' Oh sweet betsy if I end up back at Target or anywhere like it I will die. I feel like this isn't just a teeny escape from my regular life, but rather the beginning of a whole new way of life. I want to leave the dreary waiting room where I'm just saving money at a job I'm good at (probably along with anyone else who doesn't suffer from physical handicaps) but settled for and has nothing to do with any of my desires, wondering what to do with my life, if my current path will ever lead anywhere, if I am ever going to take the steps to live the sort of life that I was made for. 

THIS IS IT. This is my ideal life. Living all over, meeting all sorts of people, building relationships, and helping people. Not even close to conventional, but since when am I conventional?Money doesnt matter to me. I highly value and appreciate education and love learning and want to extend my knowledge as much as possible (with or without schooling), but when I'm 80 and I look back on my life, even if i do end up going back to school (and who knows, maybe even get my masters if im bored/inspired enough) - my "accomplishments," the things that were really important to me and impacted my life will probably have little to do with completing a system of courses that society uses to determine your worth or intelligence. The most important things to me are God, relationships, living in a way that is right and benefits others, and doing everything I feel I should do. 

Cuzzz seriously why the heck should I settle for living like everyone else? Everyone else does not want to do exactly what I want to do! Everyone else is not interested in what I am interested in! So why should I live in such a way which does not accurately represent me just because that seems to be what is socially acceptable?? SCREW EVERYONES IDEAS OF WHO WE ARE AND HOW WE SHOULD LIVE OUR LIVES, I AM DOING WHATEVER FLOATS MY BOAT!

Obviously
i dont mean this literally, i will always take into consideration how
it effects those I care about and those around me and im not gunna go
bust a cap in a homie just cuz i feel like it, i just mean i am not
going to worry about the judgement i get (<–so im not in school.
seriously?? is that like universal code for throwing your life away or
something?)/will get when my lifestyle gets even more Sara-y and less
typical 20 year old.

Movies and magazines and filled with
crappy quotes about reaching for the stars or whatever, following your
dream, but its always in this generic ‘start your own business,’ or
‘even though your from the ghetto become a successful rap musician,’
sort of thing. 
Well thats not my dream.
 I dont care about finding success, I care about love and happiness. 
I dont want just one thing, I want to do everything!
I
want to paint and create and be a musician and dancer and start a
business or a something (a coffee shop, a bookstore, an orphanage,
making and selling my own products, something theres a million of but
is completely unique to its kind), and work with nuns even though im
not catholic, and go all over the world – but not to visit, to live
(but never for too long, until i finally fall so completely in love
with some place that i cant bare to leave it), and take pictures of
everything, and become a mother, and help spread AIDs awareness in
Africa, and be in love with a boy for my entire life and have him love
me back, meet the sort of people who change your life,  be the sort of
person who changes other peoples lives, and be homeless for awhile just
for kicks, and read in the park everyday, and become a film and music
critic and go to shows allll the freakin time and say stuff like ‘oh,
yeah, bjork was pretty good the first 9 times i saw her…’,  become a
visual anthropologist, volunteer random places for the rest of my life,
build houses in mexico, do ywam, plant gardens all over the world!,
become a graffiti master, and meet ALL sorts of people from all
different nationalities and backgrounds, and have a job that is silly
and pays very little but i love and is exactly perfect for me, and bake
my own bread and share it with the little widow who lives next door who
at first seemed atrocious but im discovering is actually quite adorable
and endearing, and be the best sort of friend possible to anyone who
needs one, and to find beauty in everything, and to… theres just so
much that i want to do! my dreams can’t be contained by one career or a
generic american lifestyle!

Basically, this has been the really
long way of saying that even though Amsterdam would be fairly
temporary, I feel like it is exactly what I am supposed to do and is
the perfect initiation into living by passion and what compels and
captivates me and challenges and encourages and breaks and beautify’s
me. It’s so weird, I get kooky ideas like this all of the time but i
usually have so many reservations about them that stop me, even if it
was only a week before i was supposed to leave (i.e. summer 06). I have
almost no doubts in my mind that this is what I need to do.”

Yeah, so to all of who aren’t really sure what this is referencing because you either haven’t heard, or have misheard (no, i did
not just return from camp, an orphanage, isreal, or a tour of iraq
‘just cuz it was free and i felt like it,’ and i’m not going any of
those places, either) I’m temporarily moving to the Netherlands! I’ll miss
you all and hopefully will see you in January!

P.S. Amsterdam is in the Netherlands, in the continent of Europe. I
stopped assuming that this was a fairly well known fact after the
fourth , “Wait, now which state is Amsterdam in again?”

this is how i want to live my life, this is how i want to experience who God is and how He effects the world. I want to meet every one, I want to live in every culture, I want to see every hill, every sky scraper, every street, every waterfall, every rooftop. In Europe and California and Mexico and Antarctica and Fiji and Ireland and Africa and Asia. In huts and in hospices, hotels and houses. To see the smiles of starving children, to hear the laughter of an elderly man suffering from AIDs. I want to see every aspect life has to offer. Good and bad, to understand and to somehow make an impact.To see how God changes lives, joy in the midst of tragedy, beauty in the midst of rubble.Never knowing what is ahead, but knowing that God is in control through everything. This is how I want to live.

You know what, i am so excited about life.

I really learned a lot from Brooklyn, about myself, people in  general, and some ministry needs, and can’t wait to put it into practice. Mostly its just attempting to live every moment with purpose, every moment proving that there’s a reason i’m alive and realizing that God really does have a plan for my life. Its crazy because we say we’re trusting God and all of the sudden something happens thats not in our planner and we’re just like “Hey, God.. what’d you do that for, huh? I had a plan and you ruined it. Thanks a lot for intentionally making my life miserable. Maybe you’re not such a loving God after all,” and all that supposed trust goes down the drain. Its only later that we see why it was so important for things to happen like they did… Sure, usually looking back our human eyes wont be able to pick up on the importance, but we just have to trust that God is sovereign and that He knows what He’s doing… That He has a purpose behind everything, and that even if it means hardship that it will bring us to a higher quality of living.

Thattts what was so nice about NY: Its so clear that God knew how much I would grow from spending that time in Brooklyn… And He had this entire plan that I was oblivious to, all to ensure i was on that plane to Brooklyn and wouldn’t be landing back in STL for a month.

It was dissappointing to be so excited about living in Chicago and working with Riverwoods for the summer and then just have that feeling, just KNOWING that i wasn’t supposed to go, that there was some reason which i was completely oblivious to which meant calling Brian 1 day before I was supposed to leave to say that God was telling me that it wasnt want He wanted for me. At the time it was frustrating – i had quit my job of over 2 years to go, and i really wanted to do something productive – why would God call me to an unclear, so far no other options, summer when i could be spending 18 hours a day for 3 months helping underpriveledged kids see His love? The only possibility even thrown in there, was a week in NY, which i was not that excited about… although i (obviously) eventually consented to. And then i tried so, so hard to find a new job before I left and there was absolutely nothing, no one was hiring. It was weird and so frustrating… But there is no-o way I would have been able to stay in NY for a month if I had found that job I was looking and praying so hard for. And then actually going… if i had just gone for the initial week, it would have been an okay experience. but staying that extended time really opened my eyes to so many things which I never would have gotten from the first week. The relationships were so much deeper (I love you Angela, Johnny, Dennis, and Kelly and any other Brooklyners who might be reading this!), the city was so much more beautiful, and everything I learned was intensified beyond measure.

Anyway, now, I have no idea what my future looks like but I’m so excited for it and i can’t wait to get more active in my community. Sure, at the moment i actually dont want to live here, but this is where i am so this is where I’m supposed to make the difference.

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